 Who’s Your Bitch-Buddy?
by Winn Claybaugh
adapted from his book Be Nice (Or Else!) And What's In It For You
Have you ever had one of those days when you just didn’t feel like being nice? Do you ever feel like this BE NICE thing is just a bunch of crap? Well, let me say, welcome to the human race.
Of course you’ll have days when you don’t feel like being nice. Everyone does. We all need time to process, whine, moan, and complain. It’s a natural part of who we are. What’s important, however, is that when you’re having one of those days, you don’t pollute everyone around you. Instead, you need a “bitch-buddy.”
My friends and co-workers have used and practiced this system for many years. In fact, we’re quite up-front about it. We call it our “Who’s Your Bitch-Buddy?” system.
A bitch-buddy is someone you can gripe to—a nonjudgmental, confidential sounding board. A bitch-buddy is a person you can talk to when you feel bitter, mean, nasty, and ugly.
I’ve known my bitch-buddy, Dennis, since we were young children, and he’s been my best friend for many, many years. At least once a week, I let Dennis know that I need a “session” with him—I need for him to be my listening, nonjudgmental ear as I download my latest thoughts, adventures, and struggles.
I’ve learned through past mistakes that if I were to whine and complain to friends or team members who perhaps didn’t understand that I was just having an off day, they’d jump to all sorts of inaccurate conclusions: Uh-oh, Winn’s depressed. I’d better warn everyone. The company must be in trouble. My paycheck is going to bounce. I’d better find a new job.
You might be thinking, Winn, why do you need a bitch-buddy so often? Please know that I’m not always whining and complaining in my sessions with Dennis. Most of the time, I just need a sounding board—I just need to hear my own voice speak my own thoughts. I don’t want to gamble with the words I speak, so my bitch-buddy fits the bill. Bottom line, my sessions with Dennis are more about my growth than they are about negative complaining and drama.
Bitch-Buddy Guidelines
Here are some guidelines to help you partner with your bitch-buddy in the most productive and effective ways.
First, decide who your bitch-buddy could be. Choose wisely, because the role that this person plays in your life is as important as having a great therapist, coach, medical doctor, or financial advisor. Perhaps sharing my book BE NICE (OR ELSE!) with some of your friends and confidants, and then asking for their input and response, could help you find out who your bitch-buddy might be. Once you know, then the two of you “contract” with each other.
You and your bitch-buddy agree that:
- You only get one bitch-buddy to bitch to. If you make it a bad habit of bitching to more than one person, eventually half don’t want to hear it and the other half think you deserve your problems.
- Your bitch-buddy isn’t just for bitching. You must also share the news when things are going great.
- The bitch-buddy system goes both ways: You take turns and each be a buddy to the other.
BITCH-BUDDY CONTRACT
How to Be a Bitch-Buddy
- You must sit and LISTEN. Only give advice and input if they are requested.
- You absolutely cannot use the information outside of the conversation in which it was shared. You cannot share it with other people, and you cannot bring it up with the person at another time.
- The next day, the person who bitched to you will most likely be back to their wonderful, positive self. You cannot bring up the bitch session or information that was shared with you the previous day.
The bitch-buddy system works best when one person is bitching and one is supporting. The bitch session is not for matching wits, comparing stories, or having a who-had-the-worst-day competition.
My Bitch-Buddy Promise
- YES, I will be your bitch-buddy.
- You can complain, moan, whine, and bitch to me on those days when you need to get mean, nasty, and ugly.
- I promise not to judge or think less of you, because you need to express yourself.
- I promise that I will not do anything with the information you share.
- I promise that I will not repeat it to anyone.
- I promise that I will not give you advice or feedback unless you ask me to.
- I promise that I will not hold the information against you later.
- When you request a bitching session, I promise to hold back my personal complaints and woes for another bitching session at another time.
Winn Claybaugh is the author of BE NICE (OR ELSE!), with foreword by CNN's Larry King! He has been in the beauty industry since 1983, and is the founder of Paul Mitchell The School, with several locations throughout the U.S. In 2004, the North American Hairdressing Awards (NAHA) recognized Winn's contributions by awarding him the Hall of Leaders Award. Winn has been a speaker and educator for many years. He is the National Motivational Expert for Paul Mitchell, and has worked with thousands of businesses, including companies such as Vidal Sassoon, the Irvine Company, Entertainment Tonight, Mattel, For Rent magazine, Structure/Limited Express and others. In its November 1997 "Super Heroes" section, American Salon magazine called Winn a "mover of mountains" and "Mr. Fix-it." Winn has also served as vice president of the AIDS Relief Fund for Beauty Professionals, and continues to pursue many fundraising projects.
For speaking engagements, or to order Winn's book BE NICE (OR ELSE!), call 1-800-459-4007, or visit www.BeNiceOrElse.com
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